What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:24
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why would a spouse cheat if the marriage is good?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My life is so biszare .
In my experience, British people are fat, ugly and arrogant. Why is it and can it be changed?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I don,t even have a pension.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I’m 17 and looking for a girl. What do I do?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
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Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What's your wildest & weirdest fantasy?
And i lived it daily.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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So, i spoilt her more .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We all went to grammer schools
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Would this be the day?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
All the time i was locked up.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
Ive learnt so much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We were not on the streets..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I write beautiful poetry .
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He knew the spot.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It was going to be , some day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
When she asked me how she looked .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She wouldn,t have been !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it wasn’t much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She found it foreign!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.